No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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