I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
