dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
