I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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