Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
