dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
