if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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