he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
