TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
