I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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