HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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