dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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