My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
