Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
