that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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