You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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