I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
