im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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