Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
