did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
