This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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