I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
