I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
