Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
