I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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