god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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