things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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