There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
