I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
