I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
