Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
