I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
