There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
