i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
