Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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