and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
