i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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