I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
