he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
