Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
