I'm lost and stupid without you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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