Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
