Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
