Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
