my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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