as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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