Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
