Just cropdusted the office
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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