i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
