Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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