My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
