I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
